I first wrote this when I was fifteen and did some revisions during college.
Brown Eyes
I stared at the blank piece of paper in front of me. It’s a page of my diary. I know I should write something in it to lessen my burden, to make me feel better and less guilty. But my mind is so blurred I can hardly remember my name.
What can I write to make me feel better? I could not think clearly. My mind is like a sea at storm. There are waves and more waves. But in the midst of that storm, a face suddenly came to me. I know that face quite well. He is one of the few people who understands and appreciates me. I remember how he would always have a smile ready for me. I could also never forget how his brown eyes would reflect his feelings. They never tell a lie. His eyes looked so different when he laughed or smiled or when he’s angry or when he feels sad. And sometimes when he is seriously concerned about me, I look at him and I get lost in his eyes.
Until a few weeks ago, he was my friend. I don’t actually want to remember how I lost him, I know I just did. Maybe I am just good at driving people away or so it seems.
As I was holding my pen and about to jot down something. I recalled the day he told me about a girl he liked. I felt a sharp pain inside of me and for a moment my heart skipped a beat. I thought I was going to die.
I was caught in disbelief. Did I hear him right? How he could he like this girl? I hate her since…. FOREVER! She’s mean, selfish, materialistic and judgmental. Of all people, why her? Then I looked at him, trying to sense if he was just kidding; he sometimes does that. If only I knew I would later regret it, if only I could turn back time, I should’nt have looked at him that time. Maybe I would not be so miserable right now. I remember how his eyes looked like. They were sparkling the way I have never seen them sparkle before.
I got lost in his eyes. And the world appeared to me as a big blur. I excused myself before teardrops fell from my eyes. I never want him to see me crying. He would only ask too much. Also I don’t want to see the way his eyes would look like when he is concerned about me simply because it would never match the way how that girl made his eyes sparkle.
I slowly drifted away from the person who owned those eyes. I invented reasons so I would’nt have to spend time with him. I leave everytime I see him coming. I did not return his phone calls.
And during the unavoidable times that we are together, I tried my best not to look at him, because I know that if I did I would get lost in his eyes. I wouldn’t want to give myself away. I simply made him believe that I do’nt care about him anymore. But in reality, I really missed him. I want to be with him.
I thought I was doing pretty good at not paying attention to him until today. I saw him under the rain. I worried that he might get sick. I called out to him. He did not say anything. All he did was stare at me.
I was taken aback with what I saw in his eyes. His brown eyes were so sad, as sad like I have never seen them before. They never looked that sad when his parents separated when we were eight not even when his dad died when we were fourteen. I wondered, what has happened?
Suddenly I got lost in his eyes but not in any way like before. I felt like he was a different person. Maybe he was trying to tell me something in a language I used to know but forgot all about.He seemed so strange to me.I felt that I don’t know him anymore and I don’t have any right to call him my friend.
Tears came running down my cheeks. He turned away. I know I would always regret that I did not stop him. Right now, I feel that I have lost him forever.
I stared at the blank piece of paper in front of me. It’s a page of my diary. I know I should write something in it to lessen my burden, to make me feel better and less guilty. But my mind is so blurred I can hardly remember my name.
I can still see his face. His brown eyes that are so expressive. These are the only things that are clear to me now. Until a few weeks ago, he was my friend. It pains me to remember how I lost him. I just want him back.
sept 2006
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